Lavi - he who is no more
by A Soulless Poet
Summary: Picking up a pen, his mind wondering, Lavi began to write. He was thinking of her. Tohru...of the pain and agony...of love and desire...all of what he felt when he thought of her... (A series of my own poems)
1. The reason I smile

Picking up a pen, his mind wondering, Lavi began to write. He was thinking of _her_. Tohru...of the pain and agony...of love and desire...all of what he felt when he thought of her.

_I smile to cover the endless sadness I feel,_

_not being able to love her...not being able to show her how I feel..._

_I smile in the rare moments when I am truly happy,_

_Her at my side, her laughter my sirens song._

_I smile because I need too,_

_it hides the pain I carry inside. _

The smile he showed to the world was a lie. He hid all of the pain and anger he felt. All the helplessness and fear...

_I hide behind my smile,_

_a scared little child in the skirts of his mother. _

_Anger, pain, fear..._

_When I smile, it's all cast aside,_

_if but for a moment. _

So desperately, Lavi wanted to just …. Laugh! To be able to read a book that wasn't just about history and the darkness of life. To regain his faith in the humans he shared this dark world with. To wander the road of fantasy and romance, adventure and fiction.

_To enjoy life with wild abandon,_

_not having to keep up appearances,_

_To live in the _here _and the _now.

_To live with Tohru, my beloved..._

Lavi and Tohru, sitting on the beach...or maybe walking through a field of may-flower and lavender...he holding her close, her tiny hand in his. The world silent around them...

_Every time I hold her hand,_

_kiss her rosebud lips, sweet and tender_

_Hear her whisper, gentle and soft._

_The tiniest of moments, _

_a treasure to keep. _

Lavi could still remember their _first time._ Around them, the room was silent, nothing but her soft breathes, his nervous laughter. Whispers of love and need, two souls becoming one.

_A secret discovered,_

_Her hand slips from mine,_

_Her whispers of love become screams of agony,_

_Moments once treasured,_

_Now moments desperately forgotten..._

Around him, all is gone. Unshod tears trapped in his soulless green eyes. Lavi refused to let them fall. Let them escape and acknowledge the pain. Around them, voices are raised in anger, their secret had been found out. For now all he could do was hold her close and try his best to protect her from the worst of it.

_The smallest thing can go wrong,_

_the tiniest crack, shattering the smoothest of crystal. _

A heart of crystal, so pure, so alive, so wanting...shatters...turned to stone trapped in a cage of ink.

_Strong was the desire too live life. _

_To enjoy everything it has to offer._

_To love,_

_To be loved..._

Because of his duties, Lavi was not allowed to love another. Not allowed to become attached, no friends, no family. Just himself, alone in a crowded room.

_To love another in secret,_

_Such a painful pleasure, _

_A sweet sorrow,_

_an unforgettable, unforgivable,_

_journey._

A bitter, self-depreciating smile crossed his lips. Empty green eyes stared off out the window a moment. Fiery red hair bent down over the paper, writing once again.

_I smile to cover the endless sadness I feel,_

_not being able to love her...not being able to show her how I feel..._

_I smile in the rare moments when I am truly happy,_

_Her at my side, her laughter my sirens song._

_I smile because I need too._

_It shows the world,_

_I may fall..._

_but I _will _rise again._

_I may be cracked,_

_but _never _will I shatter._

_I am me..._

_and so..._

_I smile. _

Setting the pen down, Lavi looked again out the window at the woman he loved dearly. She was kneeling, elbow deep in dirt. A small smile on her lips. Smiling a real genuine smile, Lavi turned once again to the paper before him. Below the poem, he signed his name and a little note.

_Lavi Bookman_

_Recorder of History, _

_Keeper of Secrets,_

_Once apprentice to Bookman _

_Exorcist of the Black Order,_

…_.He who is no more. _


	2. My dream, my nightmare

Thumping the pillow once more, trying to find the blessed embrace of sleep, Lavi sighed. No mater how hard he tried – he couldn't sleep. Tossing the blankets aside, the redhead stood and went over to his desk. Writing always cleared his mind. Letting his mind wonder, he wrote...About the pain...the agony...about _that __nightmare__._

_So familiar a dream,_

_like a special pair of socks,_

_or an old book._

_Always in the back of my mind,_

_always there. No escape. _

Lavi could still hear her laughter just before it happened. Still see the light shining in her blue eyes, taste the sweetness of her lips...feel the warmth of her slender body against his. He could still _remember._

_You sit and read the book,_

_wonder about how many loving hands,_

_turned these gently worn pages. _

_You wear the shirt,_

_worn and thread bare,_

_but still it fits._

_Still it makes you feel..._

_Safe,_

_alive,_

_free..._

The rain poured down as he knelt there, before her name carved in stone. Ever eternal. Ever trapped. Remembering the good times and the bad times – both caused him great pain. He couldn't feel the rain pouring down mixing with his tears. He couldn't feel the rain mixing with his own blood as he gripped the rose eve tighter in his hand.

_In wondering, I think._

_In thinking, I remember._

_In remembering..._

_I desperately wish to forget. _

_I desperately seek to remember. _

Slamming the pen down, he crumpled the paper and tried again. The waste basket at his side was full. The space beside him on the bed...empty. Cold.

_In remembering,_

_I will forget._

_In forgetting,_

_I will one day forgive..._

_maybe._

Running his hands through his hair, he sat back. A ragged sigh escaped his lips, a tear fell and stained the page. A drop of blood soon followed. Gasping, Lavi released the pen, looking at his cut finger. Some how he'd managed to nic his finger on the corner of a page of paper. _This _piece of paper. Mesmerized, he watched the blood spread over the paper a little ways. Slowly, still looking at the tear stain and blood mark, he continued to write, memories swirling through his mind...

_I try, _

_over,_

_and over,_

_and over..._

_I try to forget _that nightmare,

_still her blood is on my hands,_

_her screams in my ears,_

_I can still feel her hand slowly,_

_it slips away..._

_Gone..._

_Forever..._

Setting the pen down, Lavi climbed back into bed. He knew he wouldn't sleep. Not now. Reaching over, he held her close. Reaching over...he held his dream...and fought his nightmare...

_Lavi Bookman_

_Recorder of History, _

_Keeper of Secrets,_

_Once apprentice to Bookman _

_Exorcist of the Black Order,_

…_.He who is no more. _


	3. Scarred and Healed

_Lost,_

_Alone,_

_Afraid,_

_scarred..._

_A confused child with no one to hold them._

Lavi could still feel the cold steel of the blade as it cut. His tormentor stood there, a grin on his face, wild joy in his eyes. The laugh that escaped the face disfigured in sick joy was cold. Heartless. Still, he refused to scream. Refused to let _him _win the satisfaction of seeing him break.

_Found,_

_Loved,_

_Healed..._

Right before the blade can bite his skin another time, a door slams open and the most sweetest of voices he's ever heard floats to his ears. It's _her._ His body warms and floats at the sound of his Siren singing her Sirens Song. Quick hands released his shackles and he fell to his knees. She was there before him and he embraced her, holding her close.

_Embraced in the arms of the woman he loved..._

_Lavi Bookman_

_Recorder of History, _

_Keeper of Secrets,_

_Once apprentice to Bookman _

_Exorcist of the Black Order,_

…_.He who is no more._


	4. Bars of ink, a cage of words

_I sit trapped behind bars of ink,_

_A cage or words,_

_of thought,_

_of emptiness._

_My jailer, mere flesh and bone,_

_Mere though of mind._

No matter how hard he tried, his mind just would not shut off. No matter what he thought of, all the thoughts lead to _her. _

_All nothing but truths,_

_all nothing but lies!_

_She says she loves me,_

_She yells because she "cares"_

He could still remember when the day came where she had said she'd had enough. Enough of his coldness. Enough of his jokes and games. Enough of everything. Of him.

_The bars of ink don't melt away,_

_the cage of words is steadfast,_

_although mere flesh, _

_mere thought of mind,_

_my jailer refuses to let go._

No matter how hard he tried to cry – even just one tear – for his lost love, he couldn't. He felt the agonizing pain like the slice of a knife through his heart. It sapped his strength, took away his spirit. Yet...not a tear fell...

_I am forever trapped,_

_this cage of words binds me,_

_bars of ink stop me,_

_heart of stone embraces me..._

_Wont let go._

_No one to save me,_

_no words of love, _

_to free me. _

_My jailer of flesh and thought..._

_is..._

_Me_

_Lavi Bookman_

_Recorder of History, _

_Keeper of Secrets,_

_Once apprentice to Bookman _

_Exorcist of the Black Order,_

…_.He who is no more._


	5. Illusion

_Loved,_

_Embraced,_

_Held dear,_

_A warm home..._

Content in my life, I want for nothing. A good home, a family, a job. I am happy...

_Hated,_

_Pushed away,_

_Yelled and screamed at,_

_Called worthless,_

_Told I am nothing,_

_Abandoned,_

_Left for dead..._

All of it, my life, family, home, job...my want of nothing...even my happiness...

All of it, an illusion...All of it snatched away in the blink of an eye...

_Lavi Bookman_

_Recorder of History, _

_Keeper of Secrets,_

_Once apprentice to Bookman _

_Exorcist of the Black Order,_

…_.He who is no more._


	6. A life sentence to hell

"_I love you"_

_Each word,_

_A cut to the heart,_

_A stab to the flesh,_

_A thorn to my soul._

When he said he loved her and she just stood there and stared...it was like his world tilted on its axis. The silence was deafening. It spoke volumes. With her eyes alone she said the words he feared most...

_To one whom..._

_Is not allowed to love..._

_Those three words,_

"_I love you"..._

_Is a life sentence..._

_To hell. _

With her eyes alone, she said the words he so desperately wanted to hear, like a thirsty man seeking water, he drank her words in...held her close and kissed her with desperation, passion, _need_... he held his lover close, never wanting to let go.

Knowing she was never really his to hold...they had just this one moment...just this one...peaceful... agonizing...moment...

_A life sentence to hell,_

_But Damnit what a ride..._

_Lavi Bookman_

_Recorder of History, _

_Keeper of Secrets,_

_Once apprentice to Bookman _

_Exorcist of the Black Order,_

…_.He who is no more. _


	7. Empty

_All my emptiness,_

_I carry inside, _

_A burden, _

_Mine to bear_

Sitting there staring at a blank page, he let the emptiness wash over him. Pen in hand, mind in turmoil, nothing came to mind. Nothing except the blood red inked words before him...

_I let myself go,_

_Sucked in,_

_Embraced,_

_Lied to._

His hearts silent prayer, his souls cry of agony. No matter how hard he tried to _feel...anything._ Hatred, love, sadness, _anything! _Nothing. Not one single bud of emotion tore away at his heart of ice, whispered sweet nothings to his agonizingly empty soul.

_Hollow words,_

_Shallow promises, _

_Whispered in secret, _

_Sworn in love._

_All of it – lies. _

_All of it – empty. _

_No anger,_

_No hatred,_

_Nothing._

_Not even the elusive joy,_

_Or unattainable contentment..._

_I am empty,_

_An abyss of nothingness,_

_A heartless shell,_

_A soulless husk...!_

_I am..._

_...Me. _

A single tear fell, staining the page. The blood red of the ink spread down the snow white of the page. Ruined, stained...just like his soul. Just like...

_Lavi Bookman_

_Recorder of History, _

_Keeper of Secrets,_

_Once apprentice to Bookman _

_Exorcist of the Black Order,_

…_.He who is no more. _


	8. Three little words

_I know the words,_

_They're there stuck in,_

_My mind,_

_My heart,_

_My soul..._

Reaching out his hand, he stood there, mouth open at a loss for words. There she stood right in front of him. His Tohru. His partner, his woman, his love. And he couldn't say what he wanted too...couldn't speak what was in his innermost heart.

_Seared,_

_Burned,_

_Branded..._

Each second a minute, each minute an hour...agonizing, torture. His voice was hoarse, what once was strong and deep, now nothing but the ghost of a whisper. Seeking her face, he sees she is no longer there...nothing but a shadow of memory remains...

_Trapped,_

_There is no escape..._

_No letting them go..._

_Three little words,_

_All I need to say,_

_To hear._

_Three words,_

_They mean the world._

_The key to my soul,_

_The flame to my heart of ice. _

_Three words_

_To melt it all_

_Away..._

_To..._

_Nothing..._

"_I love you..."_

_Lavi Bookman_

_Recorder of History, _

_Keeper of Secrets,_

_Once apprentice to Bookman _

_Exorcist of the Black Order,_

…_.He who is no more. _


End file.
